


And it all comes out pouring

by lourrygum



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Happy Ending, M/M, Non AU, hearing loss
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-17
Updated: 2015-11-26
Packaged: 2018-05-02 04:04:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5233388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lourrygum/pseuds/lourrygum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The sensation of something blocking his ears, like he's underwater, is still there. It's been there for months now and it seems to be getting worse instead of better like he had convinced himself it would, but it's not, like, a thing. It's not something he's going to tell them about so Ashton can drag him to a hospital and Luke can bite his lip until it bleeds and Calum can frown all the time and they can all stare at him with their huge worried eyes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. one

Ashton has to drag Michael out of his bed in the morning as usual. Michael clings to his three duvets and whines.

"Leave me alone," he pleads, eyes squeezed shut against the sun shining through his window. Ashton must have opened his curtains. Michael clings tighter to his blankets.

"I've been yelling your name for ten minutes, we have to-" he stops to take a breath. He's got Michael half out of bed now, all that's left is his legs, and it was no easy feat. "-we have to go, Michael, c'mon." He switches to tactic two: gentle persuasion.

"Didn't hear you calling me." Michael opens his eyes and frowns at Ashton's lie. He also remembers that he definitely set an alarm for this morning but he didn't hear it go off.

"Of course you didn't." Ashton rolls his eyes. "We literally have ten minutes to get there, Luke's still pouting about the lack of cereal, in his pyjamas, no less." Ashton sighs long-sufferingly, "You and him are gonna have to shower together as it is." Ashton releases Michael, now that he's fully out of bed, and lets him slide to the floor, tangled in duvets. Ashton looks him in the eye and says sternly, "No fucking."

"Yessir," Michael mumbles, laid out on the carpet. He brings a hand up to rub at his ear and smiles his best reassuring smile at Ashton. He's not entirely sure what Ashton's just said but he has that _I am your master and I will be obeyed_ look on his face, so he figures his answer was alright. 

Ashton just rolls his eyes and walks out, so at least he's gotten away with it. Sighing, Michael sits up. The sensation of something blocking his ears, like he's just been swimming, is still there. It's been there for months now and it seems to be getting worse instead of better like he had convinced himself it would, but it's not, like, a thing. It's not something he's going to tell them about so Ashton can drag him to a hospital and Luke can bite his lip until it bleeds and Calum can frown all the time and they can all stare at him with their huge worried eyes.

It's not a thing. 

He sits up and decides to go take his shower. That's all he needs; hot water and Luke. Nothing could remain weird after that combination. 

Twenty minutes and a lot of yawning later, all four members of the band are awake, clean and in a car on the way to soundcheck. Ashton looks like an exhausted father of three.

The journey is overall quiet because there wasn't enough time to stop at a Starbucks or one of those pretentious brand-less coffee shops that Ashton enjoys. Until Calum nudges Michael and sticks an earphone into his ear so they can watch a Vine together.

Michael frowns as soon as it starts to play because the volume is about negative one and hear a thing.

He grabs Calum's phone and clicks the volume up button and turns it up as loud as it can go. Calum jerks at the sudden volume increase, but otherwise doesn't pay any mind to Michael grabbing his phone out of his hands, and Michael is grateful that he seems to put it down to Michael being Michael. He forces a laugh at the short video although he can still barely hear what's being said, palming the phone off to Calum straight afterwards, who frowns, because they _always_ watch vines together in the car, it's their thing. But Michael doesn't think he can deal with fake-laughing all the way to the arena so he shrugs apologetically and ignores the ringing in his ears.

\---

Soundcheck is really thirty minutes of them playing Green Day songs on their instruments then fucking around with each other while their crew re-check their instruments. The other one, where their fans are invited, is scheduled for later and Luke keeps going on about a pun he wants to tell them. Everything's fine.

Michael's obviously got the notes to his songs memorised so it's not hard for him to play them, although he can't always hear them very well. He's been doing it for years, playing without even thinking. What makes it a bit awkward is when he starts to intro to Don't Stop when they're set to play Voodoo Doll and everyone thinks he's being deliberately difficult.

"Fucking hell, Michael," Ashton's voice booms loudly through the empty arena, but Michael feels like he's listening to him through a cellphone with a shit connection.

Michael has not learnt nothing in all his years as a teenage boy, so he keeps playing the intro to make his mistake seem like it was on purpose and Calum laughs and Luke joins him and they end up playing Don't Stop instead.

It's fine.

Afterwards, Luke is sitting on a seat in one of tiered rows, with Michael's head in his lap.

Michael closes his eyes and concentrates on Luke's chest moving up and down with his deep, rhythmic breathing. He knows it's strange for there to be complete or even relative silence when they're getting ready for a show and everyone's running around getting things set up but he manages to convince himself that it's okay. 

Luke's lap is warm, Luke is always warm, Michael figures it has something to do with the ridiculous amount of leg he has. There's just so much of him and Michael loves it. 

It's not until Luke taps his nose that he realise he's been talking to him the whole time. 

"Michael," Luke frowns, and he has to strain to hear it. 

"What?" Michael frowns back, immediately defensive. 

"Did you hear anything I just said?" Luke asks. Michael's not even looking into his eyes, just staring at his lips and desperately trying to make sense of his words. He's not too sure what they are but the look on his face says it all.

"Stop nagging, Luke." He says, sitting up. He swings his feet off the seats and walks into the aisle. He doesn't look back at Luke as he walks back down to the stage. He can feel Luke's eyes staring at his back, and it's somewhat comforting to know that he still has some senses

Michael takes deeps breath as he walks backstage, picking up his guitar as he goes, then onto the actual stage where their stage manager is going over the setlist with them. Ashton's sat at his drums and Calum's sitting on the ground, strumming his bass absentmindedly.

"You know the drill, you're basically playing what we've sound checked, and then it's up to you. You could play a new one tonight, but really I would wait until your next tour." She looks at Michael and nods, "Sound good?" She asks. 

Michael's eyebrows furrow as he stares at her, but he nods anyway because he has no idea how else to respond to something he hasn't really heard.

"Wanna rehearse Jet Black Heart?" Ashton asks, speaking into the microphone and making it a little easier to hear him, "Just in case?"

"Yeah," Michael's nod is more sure this time. He strums his fingers over his guitar. He's fine. 

"Luke!" Calum yells at the blond boy that Michael has refused to look at since he left him, "Get down here!"

"Michael, start us off." Ashton isn't speaking into his microphone anymore. When a few seconds have passed and Michael still hasn't strummed a chord, Calum nudges him.

"You alright bro?" He asks Michael, but Michael can't even hear him, let alone re-assure him that he is.

"Luke can take your solo if you're nervous," Ashton says from what feels like very far away, "Right, Luke?" 

But Luke doesn't answer, or maybe he does. Either way, Michael can feel him staring again. 

Calum nudges him again and Michael's hands fall from his guitar when he sees Calum's lips moving. Everything seems to be underwater, all the sound muffled and unclear. 

"Shut up," Michael croaks, holding a hand up to Calum because he's still talking and Michael cannot hear a word of it, "Shut up!" He says again, louder, because Calum's still talking. He turns to face the rest of his band, eyes finding Luke's. 

It takes all of five seconds before Luke is walking towards him, putting his hands on his shoulders. He says something, and it looks a lot like he's saying Michael's name. Michael just shakes his head, panic swelling in his stomach. His lower lip quivers a little and he sniffs. 

Ashton and Calum come over and they all stand in front of him, talking to each other. Michael hears little bits of it.

"Should we call an ambulance? His mum?" Calum asks.

"How do you know he's being serious?" Ashton asks Luke. Michael glares at him.

"Yes I'm being serious, Ashton." He says.

"Well you heard that."

"Ashton!" Calum shoves him.

"Calm down," Luke pleads, staring at Michael. Michael's staring right back at him. Luke doesn't try to say anything and Michael's glad because he'd start bawling if he couldn't hear it. Luke doesn't look surprised, of course he doesn't, he's been gently prodding at the subject of Michael's ears for months. But Michael always stormed off, like he did earlier.

"'M getting Zoe," Ashton walks off, breaking into a run when he thinks Michael can't see him. All Michael hears is the thudding of his heart and his quick, ragged breathing. Calum takes hold of Michael's hand and squeezes tight. 

"Am I going to a hospital?" Michael mumbles.

Luke nods, says "Yeah." He wraps his arms around Michael and hugs him tight, and Michael buries his face in his shoulder and starts to cry.

\---

The doctor says he's in stage one which sounds awfully frightening. How many more stages are there? 

He tries not to dwell on it for too long and he's given a prescription for antibiotics and ear drops. He's told that he can't be referred to an audiologist unless his hearing is completely gone which sounds kind of shit but then again so are most things.

He plays the show and hopes that his voice isn't like _completely_ shit because he can't really hear himself very well, nor can he hear the other instruments. But it comes and goes, and sometimes everything is _quite_ clear and the ringing in his ears is so slight that it's as if it's not there at all. So maybe the medicine is working. Maybe he'll get his hearing back.

After the show, everyone does their best to comfort Michael, when he really just wants to stare out a window and clear his head.

For the rest of the night Michael's head spins and his ears ring so badly he presses his palms to them and curls into a ball while Luke runs to get some Aspirin. Luke feeds him the tablets and a drink of water then kisses his right earlobe and hugs him close until he falls asleep.

The next day is slightly better. They wake up early again and Michael desperately tests his hearing all day. He starts by crumpling up a sheet of paper next to his ear, then he hooks his guitar up to as many speakers as he can and plays the guitar solo for American Idiot, and he can _feel_ it, the floor rumbling beneath his feet at the noise, but the sound of it is so, so faint. 

He plays it five times anyway, just to keep his mind on something. 

\---

Two days and two cancelled shows later, Michael wakes up completely deaf.

\---

Luke's got Michael sat with a lady with short blond hair and a huge smile in the living room of their hotel room. She's patiently signing things to Michael, who is sitting in a chair in front of her. She's next to a whiteboard that has 'Michael' written on it. Again, she slowly signs the letter M. 

When he gets it wrong for the fourth time, Michael pulls his hood over his head and slouches in his seat. Immediately, Luke's arm is around him, squeezing re-assuringly.

"Don't wanna." Michael mumbles. He doesn't bother trying to look at Luke's face. Luke holds him a little tighter anyway.

Michael doesn't know what Luke's doing. He wasn't all that appealing even when he had all five senses, but now Luke talks to him and he can't even respond and he can't pick up sign language properly either. It's all so _fucked_.

The doctor had warned him about it, he had told him that there was a greater than 95 percent chance he was going to lose his hearing, that the medicine wouldn't work but Michael had been so adamant that it would, he'd blocked it out.

"Permanently?" Luke had choked out. Only one person was allowed in the consultation room with him, and no one had the balls to argue it out with Luke.

"It's hard to tell." The doctor had responded. He had written out his diagnosis for Michael to read. It's crumpled at the bottom of Michael's suitcase.

When Michael lets Luke coax his head up, he meets his bright blue eyes staring at him. The sign language teacher's gone, and Luke had obviously told her to leave, to give Michael a break. He's honestly being an asshole, Luke's trying so hard for him. Luke pecks him once on the lips. Michael whines when Luke pulls away, and Luke grins and kisses him again. Michael holds him close and they kiss for a while and time becomes a bit meaningless.

Luke pulls away slowly, then carefully nods towards the whiteboard again. Michael takes a breath, then tries signing the M again. 

Luke nods, says "Yes!" and Michael finds himself smiling too.

\---

Michael deals with it.

They settle things with their fans, who aren't happy about the remaining four weeks of tour being cancelled but are nothing but full of love when they find out the reason. 

Their management and publicity team have them scheduled to make up the tour dates they missed in about eight months and Michael's more than nervous at the pressure. He's already feeling guilty, his band can't perform without him and although Calum tackles him to the floor whenever he signs _I'm sorry_ , he can't help but feel like it's his fault. 

There's no real cause, but they all put it down to noise exposure. Being in a band is a loud life to live, but the rest of his band is fine and Michael can't shake the feeling that everything always happens to him.

If he doesn't get any better in eight months they've all reassured him it'll be okay but Michael doesn't see how he can expect Ashton to never play the drums again, or Calum and his bass to break up like this, and Luke and his guitar...

\---

With their sudden abundance of free time, they start learning sign language. None of them are exactly fluent yet, it's only been a month, but Michael's got _feed me_ and _fuck off Ashton_ and _God you guys are so loud I can't hear myself think!_ down.

Aside from that, they try their best. Luke doesn't bother looking for teachers, they practice on their own now, sitting cross-legged across from each other and signing words to each other. There are a million videos on YouTube and Michael's never really liked teachers anyway.

\---

Michael finally sees his mum after he's been cleared to travel by his doctor. The whole flight he's giddy with excitement to be back home. Calum and Ashton are scheduled to join them both in about a week, and Luke's right next to him, asleep with his head on his shoulder. 

She's waiting at the airport and Michael nearly breaks into a run to hug her but manages to control himself. As it is, he manages a slow jog.

She hugs him tight and rocks him from side to side a little and Michael feels comforted and warm. While Luke's hugs feel like literal sunshine, and there's never a lack of cuddles from Calum and Ashton, he's missed his mum. 

She pulls back to beam at him, then to Michael's surprise, signs, _I've missed you._

Michael smiles, "You're learning sign language?"

"Of course I'm learning sign language." She laughs, then looks behind Michael to see Luke, smiling at the pair. Michael, having all but forgotten him, reddens a little and and starts to explain why he brought Luke with him and not Calum or Ashton or all three.

"Me and Luke... We're kind of..."

"I do have eyes, Michael." Karen has a smirk on her face and seems to be enjoying this, "And I am also your mum. And you are terrible at hiding your feelings."

With that, Luke comes over, dragging their luggage behind him.

"Hi, Karen. I love your son a lot." Luke signs straight out. Michael gives Luke a dry look.

"So do I." Karen smiles. 

\---

In September they all agree to live in London for a bit because the leaves there actually fall off the trees and it's cold and they can drink hot drinks without feeling like they're going to die and there's just that overall _Autumn_ thing they all enjoy 

They're watching a movie with the captions on and it's not that bad because Michael always liked reading the captions anyway. He's found that with Americans, they have a habit of mumbling so it's not like he could always hear them before. Or maybe Australians are just too loud. 

"What are you thinking about?" Michael is lying right on top of Luke, his back against Luke's chest. He sighs the words lazily and Michael is somewhat proud that he still understands. 

"Nothing." Michael signs back, poking Luke in the side. "You worry too much."

"I just want to know you're okay." Luke replies. Michael sighs and turns around to face him so they're laying chest to chest.

"I'll probably never hear your voice again."

"Michael..."

"Sorry, was that too morbid?"

"No, it's." Luke pauses, his hands hovering in mid air. "It's not good, but I'm glad you're talking about it."

Calum throws a pillow at Michael's head. Michael glares at him. They hadn't shown him an ounce of pity ever since he'd lost his hearing, they'd just treated him like normal. Michael both loves and hates them for it because he was planning on milking the fuck out of their sympathy.

"Are you two going to have sex or something?" Calum wants to know. 

"Yeah," Luke replies, "any minute now. This is just foreplay."

"We like to sign dirty talk to each other." Michael explains.

"Gets us hot." Luke agrees 

"There will be no sex." Ashton says, a frown on his face. 

Michael rolls his eyes, turning to Luke, "I miss hearing your pretty moans."

Michael gets another pillow in the head. He flips Ashton off without looking. 

"You'll hear them again." Luke assures him, "Promise."

Michael rests his cheek against Luke's chest then says aloud, "When?" 

He knows there's no way Luke can know, even his doctor has no idea. He's on three different types of medication and has been for ages but he cart even make out the sound of Ashton yelling at his band to get up in the morning anymore and he never thought he would miss that sound but he does, he misses it all. He even misses the American movie mumbling and fuck what he said before, he hates reading the captions.

Just like that, his mood drops and he feels so low he just wants to drag himself into bed, _alone_ / because Luke will only try to make him feel better and he doesn't want that, he just wants to feel what he feels for a little while. 

"I don't know," Luke signs, running a hand through Michael's hair. Michael nods and his eyes slip closed but it's too late because there are already tears spilling down his cheeks.

"Sorry," he says, though he's not sure what for, but he guesses that it's for everything. For crying so much, maybe.

"Stop apologising." Luke signs immediately, but Michael's got his eyes shut tight and he doesn't see it.


	2. two

Sometimes Michael sits and watches his friends talk to each other, just. Watches their lips move and their heads nod in understanding of the words coming out of their mouths. It doesn't happen often, they communicate in sign language whenever Michael is there, even when he isn't really directly part of the conversation.

But he still gets jealous of it, gets scared that he can't remember it, can't remember what hearing sounds feels like. He talks sometimes, when he isn't bothered to use his hands, and he's asked what his voice sounds like. They all tell him it sounds the same as it did, but Michael wants to know how emdid/em it sound, but there's no real way to explain that.

Luke tries "Australian" one time but Michael has all the accents mixed up in his mind and he's not even sure what that is anymore.

It's November and they're still living in a hotel. Michael knows they all hate being in hotels at Christmas. It makes them feel like this soulless band who don't have a real home, and Michael knows this because he feels this most of all. But still no one has brought up the topic of going back home to Michael and Michael is damn sure not going to be the first.

They've all been walking around on fucking eggshells, ever since Michael lost his hearing, scared to upset him, or correct him or even mildly inconvenience him. It hadn't been this bad at first but as Michael slowly came to terms with his new situation, they seem to have decided the best way to help him is to always let him have his way. It feels akin to pity and it's horrible because they're treating him so differently. No one will even argue with him anymore.

("Eating a meal at one in the afternoon doesn't count as breakfast." Calum signed, raising an eyebrow at Michael's bowl of cereal.

"Yes it does." Michael argued just to argue.

Calum looked like he was going to argue back, but just shrugged and let it go. What the emfuck/em.)

So Michael just walks around frowning passive-aggressively and pretending everything's fine.

"That TV isn't even on." Ashton signs to Michael, coming into the living room to sit with him. Michael continues to stare at it nonetheless, eyes unfocused from looking at the black screen for so long.

Michael just signs back an 'OK', one of the first things he learnt in sign language. Just an O then a K made with his fist and fingers. He can't even hear Ashton but he hears his exasperated sigh. Michael's started to use it to get out of giving real answers.

"I hate reading the captions." Michael replies eventually. Ashton doesn't sign anything back, and he looks pensive when Michael finally looks over at him.

"We're worried about you." He admits after a minute.

"We?"

"Yeah. Calum and Luke and I."

"What, have you been talking shit behind my back?"

"No, we-"

"Of course, it wouldn't even have to be behind my back, would it?" Michael tries to make a joke but Ashton just sighs, Michael can see his chest filling with air and then deflating.

"You haven't left home in a month, Michael." There he goes, calling the hotel home. "We keep asking you to come out with us and you never do." Ashton looks very cautious, like Michael could explode at any minute. Michael's teeth grit in frustration.

"I don't want to go out."

"You should, Michael, you should. It's not healthy to stay at home all the time."

"I said, I don't want to." Michael insists.

"We just want to help."

"Stop- stop talking in plural. It's makes me feel so fucking excluded." Ashton's face falls.

"We're not- I wasn't trying to-"

"Right. Fine." Michael spits, getting up and walking into his bedroom. Luke is sitting on the bed and he watches, shocked as Michael pulls his shoes on. Michael ignores him and makes for the door.

"Where are you going?" Ashton signs as Michael grabs a room key. "It's dark, it's cold. Michael, you don't even know your way around-"

There are hands on his shoulders, squeezing gently. Michael turns around and Luke is there, staring pleadingly at him. Once he's got his attention, he signs, "Please talk to me, let me help you calm down." Calum comes out of his room, obviously having been woken up by all the commotion.

Michael shakes his head, turning around again and walking out the door. It slams behind him and he starts to walk a little quicker to put some distance between him and any potential followers. When he's in the elevator, he feels a little better. Angrily, he wipes at his eyes. He can never seem to stop crying nowadays.

The elevator ticks down to the ground floor and then doors open and he steps out in the lobby, sticking his hands in the pockets of his sweatpants and walking out. He realises, too late, that this could have gone very wrong if there were fans outside. In his mood, he'd probably have snapped at them, and he'd feel terrible about it later.

The cool winter air hits him and he shivers, taking a deep breath and walking on, sucking his bottom lip into his mouth. It's cold. He should have probably brought a jacket, but he wasn't really thinking of that. There's no way he's going back, not for a while. Ashton's right. He can't stay inside forever.

There are people busking, playing guitar and one of them shouts something at him. They're sneering at him so Michael's quite glad he can't hear it.

He'd been to see an audiologist about a week and a half ago. He had dark hair and a goatee and his name was David.

David had signed to Michael to raise his hand if he heard anything, then asked Michael which ear he'd like to be tested first. Michael had pointed to his right ear, and then David gently pressed something that looked like an ear thermometer into it. It was presumably making a noise but Michael heard nothing, as always.

Luke had sat in front of him, watching carefully. Michael caught his eye and they stared at each other while the audiologist tested Michael's hearing.

When David had accepted the fact that Michael was indeed actually deaf and not joking or anything, he sat back in front of him, blocking Luke from his view.

"We have a number of options here." David signed. Michael was instantly irritated; David was one of those people that said 'we' even though this didn't involve him at all. "There's a chance of operating. I've seen your scans, and there is a high enough chance that you could get your hearing back. However, you will have to wear hearing aids."

Michael took it in. Hearing aids. In comparison to living in a silent world, that didn't sound bad at all. Only, "I don't like operations."

"It will be a quick procedure, virtually painless. Except you may have to modify your lifestyle choices slightly."

"How do you mean?"

David started to look a little shifty. Michael took a breath. "You might not be able to perform anymore. It's a very loud life to lead, and I don't think your ears will be able to withstand it."

"You don't think?" Michael repeated, face blank.

"Your ears will definitely not be able to withstand it." He rephrased. And what was the point then? In getting his hearing back and not being able to do what he loved most.

"You said we have a number of options." Luke said the words out loud to get David's attention, but signed them at the same time so Michael understands.

"Yes." He nodded. "The other is a cochlear implant. I'm sure you've heard of it, it's a simple procedure but not risk-free. It has..." Michael had tuned out most of it. He had signed 'OK' at the end and walked away in a daze. The take away points were that there was a fifty percent chance of it failing. And it if did, Michael would never regain his hearing. But if it worked, everything could go back to normal. Including their band.

Michaels shivers. His thoughts stray back to his three best friends. Luke had asked him to stay, Michael's probably hurt his feelings. Michael hates the thought of anyone hurting Luke, much less himself and he has a bitter taste in his mouth as he walks on.

Luke's been missing his family. Michael knows. Just last night he had facetimed Jack to talk about his engagement and he'd got Molly in the frame and Luke's eyes had widened with joy. Michael had rolled over and pretended to be asleep.

It's not as easy as it once was between them, and the killer is that it's all Michael's fault. Luke's sticking by Michael so much because Michael's being a clingy fuck, and Michael just wishes Luke could stop doing everything he wants and tell him what he wants to do. Luke misses his brothers and his mum and his dad and his dog and it's natural, last time they were home they'd spent most of their time with Michael's family.

Michael crosses the road, not too sure where he's going, just away from his thoughts but they seem to be getting worse and worse with every step he takes. He can see his breath in the air, it's fucking freezing. He raises his head as something comes into his peripheral vision, and by the time he sees it, it's almost too late. He jumps out of the way and the car skids into the spot he had just been standing in. The driver winds down the window to scream abuse at him, and Michael just stands, in shock. The man is red on the face with anger and Michael manages to blurt out an apology and hurry away, onto the sidewalk. It's getting darker and it's colder and his hands are shaking. He doesn't want to walk anymore, he wishes he brought a jacket. Or a phone.

He stands shivering on the sidewalk, afraid to walk any further.

He's fucked. He's so stupid. He should have stayed at home, he doesn't know the way back. He's a little scared. He's had too many altercations in tonight alone after only having to deal with his band and his family for a month.

He's about to give up on himself completely when he sees three familiar faces rushing towards him. Luke's holding a woolly jacket and when he spots Michael he rushes for him, wrapping him in it. Relief floods through Michael as Luke hugs him tight.

"You idiot." He signs when Michael isn't shivering as much.

"Sorry." Michael says.

"Are you okay?" Ashton pries Luke out of the way so he can see his face.

Michael signs 'OK' at first but the looks on their faces become murderous so he admits, "I nearly got knocked over."

Three pairs of eyes stare at him.

"But I didn't. So. That's good, I guess."

"Jesus, Michael." Calum frowns. "You can't just storm out like that, Luke was about to cry!" Calum is yelling, he's yelling at him. He's not using words, so it's a little weird but it's clear from his furrowed brows and the frown on his face that he's mad. Michael finds himself starting to smile. Calum shakes his head in exasperation but he's smiling too, a little.

"Just Luke?" Michael teases.

"Okay," Calum relents, "Ashton too."

"C'mere." Michael holds out his arms and Calum hugs him. He feels Luke wrap his arms around them both, then Ashton. He's not cold anymore.

"I love you guys." Michael says aloud. They all hug him tighter.

xxx

"I want you to go home." Michael says that night. They're lying face-to-face in bed and Luke is frowning.

"What?" He signs, "Why?"

"You miss your family." Michael shrugs. "Go see them."

"I don't..." Luke looks unsure, "I don't want to leave you."

"It'll be good for you. For us." Michael pauses, lets Luke take it in before continuing, "We can't be together all the time. I know you want to see them, Luke. I'll be fine. I don't want to hold you back-"

"You're not holding me back." Luke's response is immediate. He raises his eyebrows, "Okay?"

Michael nods and Luke leans in closer to kiss him. Michael sighs, arching against Luke's warm body and deepening the kiss. He lets his eyes flicker closed and everything becomes more intense. He can't hear and his eyes aren't open either, and his body compensates by making everything so much more sensitive. Luke's cool lip ring against his tongue, Luke's warm hands sliding under his shirt and slipping it off, Luke pressing his lips against his neck and huffing out little breaths against his skin as he starts to rut against Michael, his cock rubbing against the younger boy's in a way that feels so good Michael may cry.

When they're both coming down, breathing a little heavy, Luke asks, "How does next week sound?"

Michael nods and interlocks their fingers, bringing their hands up to kiss the back of Luke's.

"We okay?" Luke whispers.

Michael nods and untangles their fingers to sign it.

They all go to see Luke off. Calum and Ashton had argued that they might as well all go, finally complaining that they didn't want to spend Christmas in a hotel. When Michael had stopped smiling so much, he'd asked them to give it a week. Luke needs the time, and so does he.

On the car ride back from the airport, Michael sits next to Ashton. He doesn't complain when Michael rests his head on his shoulder but he doesn't put his arm around him and kiss the top of his head like Luke does either.

"I miss Luke." Michael blurts out. Calum is sitting in the seat across from them. He looks up.

"You basically told him to go, didn't you?" He asks, eyebrow raised on a way that suggests he's about to lay down some harsh facts.

"Yes." Michael signs. "But it was for the greater good. We spend too much time together. He should be with his family for a while."

"We are his family." Calum is starting to pout. "And aren't you supposed to spend time together, seeing as you're practically married?"

"Let it go, Cal," Ashton cuts in. Michael nods in approval and nuzzles his head into Ashton's neck, not paying attention because he's kind of starting to regret things and it's not a nice feeling. Calum rolls his eyes and sticks his earphones in.

Michael tweets for the first time in almost two months, three days after Luke leaves. It's a song lyric, emthese chemicals moving between us/em and it suits how emo he's feeling at the moment. It's gets almost three hundred thousand retweets, which blows Calum's previous record of one hundred thousand right out of the water. Michael gloats for the whole day.

He's FaceTimed Luke about three times today alone. It's hard without him, in more ways than one. Michael had been in the middle of getting himself off when Calum had burst in earlier. The thing about being deaf, you see, is that you don't hear people coming.

Michael had maintained the mindset that's it's only awkward if you make it awkward, locked his door, and taken things up a notch and had Skype sex with Luke.

xxx

On the fifth day Luke is gone, Michael gets Calum to plug his bass into an amp and play the loudest tune he can. They book out a soundproof room specially for the event and both Calum and Ashton look uneasy about it,

When Calum's got his bass in his hands, Ashton goes all worried on him.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" He asks, which Michael frowns at because obviously, yes, he does.

He nods at Calum to start and Calum tells him he's going to play Jet Black Heart and which Michael pales because that was his favorite song and he can't even remember how he's supposed to sing the first verse or what the chords sound like.

Calum plays for minutes that feel like seconds then stops, raising an eyebrow at Michael, who shakes his head no. He didn't hear anything. Of course not.

"Can you like, feel anything?" Calum signs. "When I play."

Michael nods un-surely. Yes, he can feel the rumbling of the floor beneath his feet, but in a way that's very different to hearing the sounds.

"I'm getting the operation." Michael decides aloud.

They both look at him carefully. "Shouldn't you think this through a bit more?" Ashton suggests.

"I have." Michael is adamant. "I'm having it. As soon as possible."

xxx

Luke comes back with a tattoo. He arrives early in the morning, after he told Michael his flight was coming in in the evening. Typical Luke, not wanting to inconvenience anyone by having them wake up early to pick him up at the airport.

It's in tiny, swirly writing on the right side of his ribcage and it says 'fly with me' and it's very obviously a match for Michael's to the moon tattoo.

"I was going to get 'and back'." Luke says, "But I couldn't decide. I tossed a coin in the end."

"You can't just get a matching tattoo with me and then be casual about it Lucas. You got yourself _inked_ for me, baby, that calls for blowjobs." Michael's hands fly about in his version of talking fast.

"Nap first?" Luke looks sleepy and soft and Michael cannot deny him.

"Of course, you pensioner. I've fucking missed you."

"I've missed you too." Luke wraps his arms around him and they squeeze each other tight, laying back on the bed. They're still for a while, breathing each other in, feeling their warmth.

"I'm having it." Michael whispers after a long moment passes.

"What?" Luke signs, sounding tired. Michael can't see his hands but he can guess what his follow on question probably is. Luke yawns loudly, and Michael kisses his chest, wishing he could kiss the jet lag away too,

"The operation." Michael says eventually. Luke doesn't reply, and when Michael raises his head to look at his face, his eyes are shut and he's asleep. Michael's fingers trace over Luke's tattoo until Luke shuffles in complaint in his sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading, feel free to talk to me @ gonnamuke on tumblr


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